


The Road to Healing

by meowloudly15



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: :(, Blood, Depression, Gen, I coined that term just so you know :D, Luangst, Makes me feel sad, Not super graphic but just to be safe, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Violence, swear words are censored out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-10-20 06:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17617619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowloudly15/pseuds/meowloudly15
Summary: Three years in the future, Luan struggles with depression and various other issues stemming from a single mistake. Rated T for topics not suitable for children, for swearing, and for ideologically sensitive material.





	1. Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> This is a really angsty story, if you couldn't tell already. I'm warning you now.
> 
> My original author's notes are posted in the body of the text.
> 
> I hope you like it.

**A/N: Hello from the other siiiiiiiide!**

**I couldn't resist making that joke. That's probably the only joke that will be in this story. This is not your usual romantic comedy (or action comedy, or straight-up comedy) that you might expect from me. This is a sad story.**

**It's also a vaguely clichéd story; the Luan-is-depressed trope is rather overused. But I still wanted to write it, regardless.**

**So here you go: a sad, clichéd story.**

**Note: This story takes place three years in the future. Luan is 17, and the other characters have been similarly aged up.**

**DISCLAIMER:** **_The Loud House,_ ** **all related characters, and any other media that I reference don't belong to me.**

**Enjoy! Or don't.**

* * *

Luan gripped the trophy tightly in her hands as she walked home from where the school bus had dropped her off. She squinted to read the label yet again in the fading light: "Improv Group Competition: Southeast Michigan District Event Winners".

She still couldn't believe that her team, The Chuckle-Monkeys, had won, and that they had qualified for the district championships. It was bananas, come to think of it.

Luan allowed herself a small grin and a giggle at the thought of that pun.

The expression of mirth didn't come to her as naturally as it usually would.

Luan chalked it up to her having to keep a straight face for eight hours straight.

She didn't even smile at that pun.

As she turned down the driveway leading towards her residence, she recalled that laughter just hadn't been coming quite so easily to her over the past couple of days.

Maybe it was her stressing over midterms. Her grades had been suffering as of late, thanks to a wonderfully addictive website called TVTropes.

Yeah, that was probably it.

Luan really had to do something about her procrastination problem.

But first, she had to get inside.

Clutching the team's trophy under her left arm, Luan fumbled in her pocket for her house key. She finally found it and unlocked the front door, stepping inside, only to see her entire immediate family (sans Lori, Leni, and Luna) waiting for her. At her entry, they all exclaimed, "Congratulations!", and somebody blew on a noisemaker.

Luan blushed and grinned sheepishly. "Thanks so much, guys!"

Lynn walked over to her and inspected the trophy. "Ooh, that's a beauty. You gonna put that in the case?"

"No, it's not for me to keep. Mr. Williams said I could have it for the night, since I did so much in helping train the team."

"Neat. You wanna drink champagne out of it, like the Stanley Cup winners do?"

Both Mr. and Mrs. Loud replied, "Absolutely not," coupling the command with stern expressions.

Lynn shrugged and clarified, "I meant in a manner of speaking."

Lily ran over to her big sister and tugged on her skirt. "You did a good job! Can I hold it?"

With a faint smile, Luan shifted the trophy to one arm and ruffled her baby (well, not a baby any longer) sister's hair. "Sorry, Lils, but not right now."

Lola exclaimed, "We gotta take a picture of you with the trophy!"

Luan started to sidle towards the stairs, not wanting any more attention at the present time. "Uh... nothanksIwannagotobedrightnow-"

She was promptly caught by her sisters and dragged in front of the door.

All Luan wanted was some time alone, at peace, and now her family was going to fuss over her.

She pulled away from her siblings' grasp (not an easy task, considering the quantity of siblings that she had, even with three in college) and started to dart towards the stairs.

Lincoln blocked her path and said, his voice cracking from puberty, "Oh, come on! It's not every day that you get to pose with your own trophy!" He turned aside and added under his breath, "Of all people, I should know."

Luan harrumphed and gritted her teeth, relenting. It should be over soon enough, anyway, she assumed. And she did want to make her family happy.

Mrs. Loud took out her camera and snapped a couple of quick pictures of Luan holding the trophy, smiling.

Luan hoped that no one could tell how painful her smile was.

As soon as the photo shoot ended, Luan turned around and headed up the stairs, saying, "Uh, I'm tired. Gonna go to bed now. 'Bye!"

She darted around the corner and into her room before she could hear anyone's responses. Frankly, she didn't care to hear them.

Luan set the trophy down on her dresser and changed into her pajamas. Once she had finished, she collapsed onto her twin bed. (Her old bunk bed had been moved into Lana and Lola's room.) She allowed her thoughts to race through her head.

Oh man, the look on Jack's face was priceless when Mr. Wil-

Ugh. She had to stop calling him that. It had been four years already.

...when Rob gave her the trophy. He was so ticked off.

Well, frankly, Jack had done a lot for the team. He deserved it as much as, if not more than she did.

More than, honestly.

Jack worked long nights to write the skits. He was there every single night until midnight, planning and preparing.

And what did Luan do?

Not quite as much.

She went home around ten, because she wanted to finish her homework.

Fat lot of good that did, thanks to TVTropes.

She had to miss some practices because she wanted to watch her siblings' events. Luan truly enjoyed watching Lynn's hockey games (well, until she got a serious concussion) and Lisa's "Science Is Fun!" lectures and Lola's Junior Miss Royal Woods pageants (well, not really, but she could fake it pretty well) and Lincoln's occasional LARPing tournaments.

It was her obligation, even more so than it was for her to attend The Chuckle-Monkeys' sessions. Family was important to Luan.

But at the same time, she didn't deserve the trophy.

She didn't deserve any of her trophies, frankly.

What had Luan done to earn the regional win from a few years back? She hardly did anything, compared to some.

In another part of her brain, Luan knew that that wasn't true. She was there almost every day, working her tail off, trying to help her team. She practiced at home all the time, trying to come up with more puns.

But that didn't matter. To her, she wasn't trying her hardest.

And, while that might not have shown on the effort which she put into her English essays, Luan was a bit of a perfectionist.

It made her feel terrible almost all the time.

But it was normally more of a mental anxiety than a physical ailment. Right now, she had a knot in her stomach, a lump in her throat.

What use was she to anyone?

Luan simply lay on her side, staring at the window.

She was useless.

A thought suddenly made itself apparent in her head. It was one that had been there for a while but had been overlooked or ignored.

Maybe she should kill herself.

Luan mentally shook her head. No; she had already decided that it would be more of a punishment to continue living than it would be to simply die and alleviate all of her earthly pain.

But...

What if she hurt herself, instead?

Immediately, a counter-proposal popped up.

She wanted to talk to Luna.

She needed to talk to Luna.

She had to tell her about this.

Luna had been Luan's confidant since time immemorial. She had been the person whom Luan went to in order to divulge her secret crush on Benny. Luan explained to her how long it had been since it had begun and how she feared admitting it. Luan confided in her about how she wanted to give up her hopes of ever talking to him again. Luna was the only person in the world whom Luan trusted.

But now, when she needed her most, Luna wasn't there; she was studying mechanical engineering (and minoring in music theory) at Purdue University: the chicken school.

The desire to talk to Luna continued to pulse in the back of her mind, but other thoughts took the forefront.

It was actually a better alternative to committing suicide, in her mind.

How would she go about it?

She had a Swiss Army card in her desk. It had a small knife in it.

Step by step, Luan planned out exactly what she would do, _Sherlock Holmes_ -style.

She couldn't cut her wrists. The scar would be too easily visible.

Her legs?

It was getting warmer. She couldn't wear pants all the time.

Her side?

Perfect.

But what about if she happened to go swimming?

She had a one-piece bathing suit. She'd be fine.

Luan slowly hoisted herself up from the bed and stood in the middle of the floor. She hesitated there for a few moments.

Just like she'd planned.

At the same time, she was in part stopping because of nerves.

But since when did she allow nerves to get in the way when she was committed to something?

She'd just have to get it over with.

Anyways, how much could it hurt?

Luan crossed the room to her door. She checked to make sure it was closed, then locked it for good measure.

She calmly walked to her desk. She reached into a compartment and pulled out her Swiss Army card. She took out the knife and laid the card on the desk surface.

Luan sat on her bed, knife in hand, and hesitated again.

Should she do it?

She wanted to.

But should she?

The desire to talk to Luna came back, pulsing more strongly than ever.

Luan pushed it aside and lifted up the hem of her shirt, exposing the skin above her left hip. She took the knife and laid it against her skin. It felt cool and not the slightest bit dangerous.

She dragged the knife across half an inch of skin, leaving a faint mark akin to that of a papercut.

Luan removed the knife and looked at her handiwork.

She didn't feel any pain.

She hadn't drawn blood.

She wanted to draw blood.

Luan pressed the knife to her skin again, where she thought she had started the cut, and dragged it again.

She did it again.

And again.

And again.

She didn't draw any blood, but she felt a weak yet invigorating pain.

She felt vaguely elated.

Luan set down her knife and looked at the wound again.

She squeezed it slightly.

The edges of the multiple layered incisions were red, but they didn't bleed.

She was slightly disappointed.

She hadn't pressed hard enough.

But it was enough. It made her hurt.

Luan carefully wiped the blade of the knife off on her shirt and covered up the mark. She got up and put the knife back in the Swiss Army card and put it back in her desk. She unlocked the door and got under the covers.

It was over now.

She could relax and be a little less displeased by her uselessness.

For once, she felt... what was the word? Content.

Luan wanted to try again.

Maybe she could make herself bleed next time.

The desire to talk to Luna came back, even stronger than before.

How Luan wished she could talk to her. Sometimes, she genuinely missed her sister and former roommate, no matter how obnoxious she got.

Luan felt scared.

Why did she feel so content?

Before she could contemplate the issue further, she fell asleep. She'd had a long day. The improv competition felt a million lifetimes ago.

* * *

**I'm not sure how frequently I'll be able to update, what with working on my other stories and having scheduling struggles. I'll try to update as quickly as possible.**

**See you soon!**


	2. Scars

**All right, here you go. This one's more of a filler chapter. This part is not quite so important, but it ought to stand on its own. It's also a nice breather and was simply fun to write.**

**I'm trying to mix in a fair amount of fluff in order to lighten the mood somewhat.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Luan walked into the Chuckle-Monkeys meeting the next day in a sober mood. She hadn't stopped thinking about what had happened last night. She couldn't stop thinking that she wanted to do it again.

But she wouldn't let that bother her.

She just had to push it back into the far recesses of her brain, and it would be a problem for another day.

Improv group was the perfect way to distract herself.

Don't worry. Be happy.

Of course, there was always the problem of her thoughts coming back to haunt her at the most inopportune of times. But she would deal with that when the time came.

Luan gazed around at the vaguely controlled chaos that was improv group. Several students stood in a group, chatting about some guy's Y'allTube video about a Russian college class. A few were conducting a skit about kangaroos. A couple were sitting in a corner, editing an old script. Mr. Wil - Rob, she corrected herself - and another mentor, the father of two of the students, were sitting off to the side and watching the proceedings.

Luan walked over to the group talking about the Y'allTube video; most of her friends were over there. She saw Andy, Bobby, Nadia, Maggie (which she was mildly surprised by, since Maggie didn't attend many meetings), Lizzie, and Ralph crack up.

Bobby was saying, "...means 'I am a Russian puppet'!"

Luan remarked, "Oh? You're telling the covfefe joke again? If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that one..."

"...You'd be richer than a recent law school grad with half a million in student loans," interrupted Andy.

"Yeah, but that takes maybe one nickel."

Nadia quipped, "Another day, another nickel!"

Everyone burst into laughter.

"Well, I hadn't heard it before, so I asked Bobby to tell the story," explained Maggie.

Andy nodded. "All right, then. Any more ****y stand-up routines that you wanna share again?"

Bobby brightened up and straightened his wiry frame. "Sure!" He adopted his typical "joke-sharing" affect. "So, my uncle works at a summer camp for children who are about to be mo-"

Luan interrupted him, concern written on her face. "No, no, no, don't tell that one! That one's just wrong!"

Bobby complained, "Oh, come on! I was halfway through already!"

Maggie raised an eyebrow. "Says the girl who made that quip about the nice rack."

Luan facepalmed. "That was one time! No homo!"

Nadia added, "And the one about Jesus being similar to a painting."

"Oh, come on! That was hilarious! And you gave me the idea!"

Bobby said, "Don't forget about the time when Lizzie gave me the vacuum so she could go clean out the fridge and you said, 'Wow! A man holding a vacuum? That's a first!'"

Luan laughed. "Yeah, that one was friggin' awesome."

Maggie added, "Although the fact that you consider him a man makes me worry about you."

Ralph said, "Honestly, some of those dank memes you come up with are on point."

"I don't-"

"I was talking to Bobby about the one with Ian and Nadia."

Nadia groaned. "Oh, good God, don't bring that one up."

Maggie snickered. "Too late."

Andy added, "Honestly, that's kind of a ****ed-up thing for a dude to make about his girlfriend."

Lizzie piped up, "Oh my God, I just realised something!"

The group turned to look at her.

"Get this! Christmas is CHRIST-mas!"

Everybody facepalmed.

"You're an idiot," commented Nadia.

"We're all idiots," observed Andy. "Otherwise, we wouldn't be here."

"True that," remarked Luan.

Maggie added, "But Lizzie's more of an idiot than most. Remember the noodle incident?"

"I don't remember it," replied Ralph.

Bobby raised an eyebrow. "That's because you're a tool."

Ralph merely shrugged.

Nadia turned to Bobby. "So, about that suicide pact thing?"

"Yeah?"

Luan snickered.

Nadia said, "D'you want to just use your pocketknives, or should I bring mine, too?"

Bobby replied, "You can bring yours if you want."

Maggie asked, "What suicide pact?"

Luan told her, matter-of-factly, "Bobby and Nadia are gonna jump off of a cliff and stab each other on their way down. I volunteered to be the one to yell, 'Do a flip!' as they fell, but they said they didn't want a third wheel. Bobby said it was a them thing."

Maggie nodded, a smile playing on her face. "Ooh." She turned to Nadia and waggled her eyebrows. "I like your style."

Nadia frowned. "I already told you I'm not interested."

Lizzie said, "I really think you might wanna tone it down with the suicide jokes."

Bobby replied, "Jokes? What jokes?"

Everybody cracked up.

Rob strode over. "Guys! I thought you were supposed to be practising! The competition's only in three days! C'mon, get a move on!"

Ralph said, "But we're being funny! That's what we're supposed to do, right?"

Rob ignored him. "Nadia, Luan, Andy, come with me. You're gonna do more training exercises with Monty and Jack."

Nadia folded her arms across her chest and pouted. "Ergh. **** me," she grumbled under her breath.

As she, Luan, and Andy walked off, Maggie called after her, "When?"

Bobby decided to join in the catcalling. "I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave!"

Nadia snapped back, "Shut UP!"

Monty and Jack were busy throwing around a Wiffle ball when the group stopped by. Rob said, "Monty, Jack, these guys are gonna be practising with you guys for now." He walked off.

The five high schoolers exchanged glances.

Monty said, "We were just throwing around the ball. You wanna join in?"

Luan, Nadia, and Andy nodded. Monty tossed Andy the ball.

Luan asked, "So, how are college applications going for you guys?"

Jack sighed. "I ****ing hate it."

Andy added, "Yeah, it's a pain in the ***."

Nadia grimaced. "I'm gonna hate senior year, aren't I?"

Andy and Jack both nodded.

Andy said, "I came up with a great plan, though. You know, no college is gonna take a straight white male?"

Monty replied, "True that."

Andy grinned. "Well, I'm gonna put down that I'm three different genders on my application. And then, when I get in, I'll just say, 'Oh, I decided that I'm male.'"

Luan exclaimed, "That's friggin' brilliant! So, my sister-"

Jack interrupted her. "Which one?"

Luan continued, "Luna said that she and three other girls were applying to this one tough school - I forget what it's called - and the three others are all Asian. So, on the day the school was giving out acceptance letters, one of them says, 'I think that, out of all of us who're applying, it's gonna be you who gets in.' Then Luna asks, 'Why?' She says, 'Because you're white.' After Luna got declined, she sends the girl a text saying, 'WHERE'S MY FRIGGING WHITE PRIVILEGE NOW?'"

The four others laughed. Monty bobbled the ball when he caught it, then hurled it at Jack's head. Mildly stunned, Jack picked it up and threw it at Monty's stomach.

Luan turned to Nadia. "Again, you sure you don't need any help with the suicide pact thing?"

Nadia shook her head and reached into her pocket. "Nah. But if you want, you can borrow my knife. Remember, horizontal for attention, vertical for results."

Luan was about to respond with her typical quip of "And diagonal for both", but she didn't. Her brain froze.

Something about the self-harm quip did it to her.

She couldn't think for a minute.

Her brain ran on autopilot.

She smiled sweetly and said to Nadia, who was proffering a pocket knife, "Thanks but no thanks."

Luan rejoined the Wiffle circle, doing her best to not give any outward sign that something was wrong.

The thoughts that she had shoved deep into her brain shot out with the force of water spurting out of a crack in a dam.

She ought to cut herself again.

She ought to talk to Luna.

She was worthless.

She was a fool for cutting herself. A freak. A moron.

She deserved to feel more pain.

Luan wondered why she would think this way. She hadn't before.

But now cutting was an option. It hadn't been one before.

Luan wondered why the suicide joke would affect her this way. It hadn't before.

But cutting had never affected her before.

She caught the ball when it flew her way.

It reminded her of a joke.

"So, the frisbee kept getting closer and closer, and then it hit me," she said.

Jokes were Luan's main social strategy.

They were what had got her the few friends that she had (if she could even call them friends) in elementary school. They were what helped her keep the friends that she had now. They were what gave her some level of popularity.

They were what kept her happy.

They were the only thing that gave her life meaning.

They infused themselves into every aspect of Luan's life. They haunted her waking hours, infested her dreams. They influenced her speech and actions and thoughts.

Jokes were as much a part of Luan as were her heart and brain and soul.

She existed to entertain.

Monty laughed. He was the only one who did.

Luan assumed that the others hadn't been paying attention. She lobbed the ball at Nadia, who didn't see it coming and was struck by it.

"Hey!" she yelled indignantly.

Luan laughed. "Gotcha!"

Upon looking over and seeing Luan's infectious grin, Nadia smiled in return, then hurled the ball at Luan's head. Luan dodged it, and it struck Cody, who was working on the script. He scowled and threw it over his shoulder. Luan chuckled at his misfortune.

Improv group was friggin' great.

It was the perfect distraction for her tormented mind.

* * *

When she arrived home that night, Luan decided to change into her pajamas before starting on her homework. It would make her life a lot easier when she went to bed.

Luan removed her T-shirt and replaced it with her pajama top.

She stopped before completely changing.

She lifted the hem of her shirt, examining her incision.

The mark was still there. It had formed a scar.

More than ever, Luan wanted to cut herself again.

More than ever, she wanted to talk to Luna about her troubles.

Luan realised that for as long as the scar was on her body, she would continue to be troubled.

But she hoped that it would remain, if just as a reminder to never do it again.

Luan sighed and finished changing. She really didn't want to do any homework, but she didn't have much choice in the matter.

* * *

**FYI, Luan is a junior in this AU.**

**I am not advocating for trigger warnings. If something bothers you, you don't have to read it.**

**And I didn't intend for that last part about jokes to sound so creepy.**

****See you later! Don't worry, next chapter will be considerably more depressing!** **


	3. Confidence

**Oh man, I forgot to point out, that was a different Bobby. Whoops.**

****I'm sorry that it's been a while since I've updated anything.** **

**Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

Luan finished her dinner three days later, feeling content. The improv competition had been going quite well so far. The judging was harder, sure, and so was the competition, but she thought the Chuckle-Monkeys were faring surprisingly well.

She stood up, along with the other denizens of her table, and walked over to the buffet line to get ice cream.

After getting in line near the middle of the pack, Luan suddenly realised that she was still holding her fork for no apparent reason. She stepped out of line to set it down on her table. She returned and stood at the end of the line, as is socially appropriate.

Kaitlin called down to her, "Hey, why don't you get back in place? You were only gone for a moment."

Luan responded, somewhat harshly, "I'm supposed to go to the end of the line."

Maggie, who was now in front of her, turned around. "You can go in front of me if you want."

Luan replied, "No, I have to stay here."

Luan was a stickler for the rules, even when it came at her own detriment.

She hoped the other girls would let up and stop being so nice to her.

Maggie furrowed her brow but didn't turn away. "Is something bothering you?"

Luan answered before she had a chance to think about what she was saying. "Yes."

Maggie lowered her voice almost unconsciously. "Do you want to talk to me about it?"

"Sure."

Maggie nodded and turned to face front.

Luan looked down at herself, wondering why she had said that, wondering why either of them had said anything.

In her head, she started planning out how she would talk to Maggie.

She knew, however, that no matter how flawlessly you mapped out a conversation, it would never go according to plan, as she remembered from talking to Luna about Benny.

Luan fidgeted with her wristband, something she had picked up as free swag at the competition. It read: "National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK".

She wondered if it might come in handy.

* * *

After a hectic excursion with several other team members in Maggie's hotel room which involved shaving cream, assumed nudity, and a terrible coming-out-of-the-closet joke, Luan walked over to Maggie and said, with a pounding heart, "You wanna talk now?"

Maggie nodded. "Your room?"

Luan said, "Sure. Drexler's probably out chatting with people now, and we have a while until curfew, so I think we'll be fine."

It was bad luck that Luan had the most annoying and fakest girl on the team as her roommate (even the idiot Lizzie was at least a nice kid), but it was good luck that Drexler was ineffably social.

As she and Maggie walked down the hall to her hotel room, Luan wasn't so worried about what to say as about to whom she would be saying it. Maggie wasn't exactly the most social of people. She wasn't exactly quiet, but she was rather grumpy and cynical. The two of them weren't even particularly fond of each other, and their paths didn't cross very frequently. It surprised Luan to no end that Maggie would happen to notice something wrong with her.

At the same time, Luan knew that underneath Maggie's jaded, pessimistic exterior lay a good heart, and here was further proof.

But how had she noticed Luan's discontentment?

Maybe Maggie recognised something in Luan that she herself had once felt.

For a girl as unempathetic as Maggie, it should have taken an act of God to get her to notice anything.

There probably was one.

Luan arrived at her room and unlocked the door with her room key. She and Maggie entered. Luan propped the door open a crack using the door guard, as per school policy.

They each sat on a bed. Luan sighed.

Maggie asked, "So, what's up?"

Luan sighed again. "I... First off, can you just promise me you won't tell anyone about this?"

Maggie nodded, faintly smiling. "Sure."

Luan had no idea what was running through Maggie's head, but she knew she couldn't leave her in the dark any longer.

She didn't want to tell her.

She didn't want to tell anybody.

But it looked like she had no choice.

She'd just have to get it over with.

It was like ripping off a Band-Aid. The sooner it was over, the better and less painful it would be for her.

Luan said, in a soft voice, "I... I cut myself."

Maggie's eyes widened.

"I cut my side, so... so nobody could see it. See?"

Luan lifted her shirt and pointed to her faint scar so Maggie could see that she wasn't lying.

Maggie's expression was now one of utter horror.

Luan couldn't bear to look at her any longer. She stared at the floor.

"I... I'm not really sure why I did it. I just...

"I did it last Sunday, after we won. I was just... I just felt useless, like I didn't deserve the trophy, so... yeah."

Luan didn't really know what more to say. There was so much that she wanted to say, but she couldn't find the words for it.

Maggie spoke up, slowly shaking her head in disbelief. "Luan, you're not useless. You... Why would you even think that?"

"I don't know. I just don't know. I know that I'm... that I'm not useless, that I'm nice and kind and funny and all that sort of thing... but I can't believe it. Something inside me... it just stops me. I don't get it. I just can't believe it."

Maggie looked intently at Luan, leaning forward, face bearing concern. "Luan... listen. You... you're great. You're friggin' awesome. You're one of the funniest people I know, and you're really super smart. You're like a genius. And... and you're one of the sweetest, too. There's... there's no reason at all that you should be thinking like that."

Luan sighed. "I know. But... I guess I just focus on the bad stuff. I can't not focus on it, is the thing."

Luan looked up and saw Nadia and Bobby passing by the hotel room through the window. She gave them a quick wave.

Nadia and Bobby were her closest friends on the team. More than anyone else, except for Luna, she wanted to talk to them. But... Would they think she was joking? Would they take her seriously? She didn't know.

She didn't want to take the risk.

Luan said, "I just... I didn't wanna tell anyone. I know that's what you oughta do. But... you know how they joke about suicide and stuff like that. I dunno if... if they'd believe me."

"I understand."

Luan turned over, lying on her stomach on the bed. She didn't cry. She didn't want to. She knew she might but hoped she wouldn't.

Maggie asked, "Why'd you tell me, then?"

"Because you asked."

Luan propped up her head so that her voice wouldn't be muffled. "I... It's like I've got these two voices in my head, and they're fighting with each other. I've got the one voice that wants me to, say... to keep working, to keep pushing myself; and I've got another that says I should chill out. And if I ignore one of them, the other one starts yelling at me. And neither of them are right. So they're always unhappy... and so am I. I don't think I have a good conscience anymore."

Maggie looked on, listening intently.

Luan continued, "It gets unbearable, living with myself. I can't do anything right, I always make a bad decision, whatever I do can always be better than that... I'm not a perfectionist, but at the same time, I am. And it just drives me mad."

Maggie finally spoke: "You... Maybe you should talk to someone, get a therapist or something."

Luan cracked a smile. "Yeah; I've been through three therapists already. It was for helping me with social skills. I'm planning on finding one on my own when I get to college."

Maggie nodded. "That's an idea. Maybe you should let your parents know so they can help you out."

"They can't know."

Maggie raised her eyebrows. "And why is that?"

"B-because... they'll worry about me. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I... I don't want... I don't want anyone to cry at my funeral."

Maggie looked on in disbelief for a moment. "Then don't do... then don't do this sort of thing."

Luan shook her head slowly. "I'm such an idiot."

Luan's phone vibrated loudly. She took it out; her mom was calling her. "Speak of the devil," she muttered under her breath.

Luan turned to Maggie. "My mom's calling."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Not if you don't want to."

Maggie remained on the bed while Luan answered the phone.

"Hey, mom."

"Hey, Luan! How's the competition going?"

"Really well! I met a couple of cool people, and the judges are all really nice!"

"That's great! How was dinner?"

"It was fine. We had pasta and chicken parm, then ice cream. I'm just chilling out in my room now."

"Yeah? Have you been hanging out with anyone?"

Luan glanced over to Maggie, who had taken out her phone.

"Not right now, but I was hanging out in Kaitlin's room. Oh man, Bobby pranked Lizzie so hard about the whole dropped sunglasses thing. It was awesome."

"Dropped sunglasses? What was that about?"

"Yeah, well, you know, Lizzie's a germaphobe. So, she accidentally drops her sunglasses on the ground that she got as swag, where she thought she saw a guy spill some stuff earlier, so she throws them away, the idiot. Then she can't see when she's walking outside and stuff, so she asks to get back Maggie's sunglasses, which Maggie had borrowed from her before, but she doesn't give them back. And Maggie wants them back, but Lizzie says no, 'cuz Maggie doesn't need them."

Luan's mom laughed. "That sounds nuts. What did Bobby do?"

"He and Nadia filled Lizzie's shower with peanut butter and shaving cream, then threw in the sunglasses. She got really ticked off!"

"That sounds entertaining! What are you doing now?"

"Nothing much, just hanging out in my room, playing on my phone and stuff."

"All right. Have you been doing your homework?"

Luan winced internally. "Yeah, kind of."

"Well, don't forget to do that. You've gotta keep up in your classes, remember? We don't want you fazing out."

"I gotcha. I'll get right on that."

"All right, well, I'll leave you to that. Good night!"

"G'night, Mom! See you on Saturday!"

Luan hung up the phone and looked back over at Maggie, who glanced up from her phone. "I'm really sorry about that."

Maggie put her phone back in her pocket and stood up. "It's fine. Now listen. Please don't do anything like that again. And if you do, you know you can talk to me."

Luan nodded, sobering up again. "Yeah. Thanks so much."

Maggie walked over to the door. "Not a problem."

The two girls hugged. Then Luan opened up the door, and Maggie walked out. "See you tomorrow," she said.

Maggie just waved briefly, then walked down the hall.

Luan hoped for her sake that Maggie's shower was clean by now.

Speaking of which, she needed to take a shower.

Luan set her homework out on the desk so she could do it afterwards.

She was glad that she had talked to Maggie.

But at the same time, she wished it had been Luna instead.

She wouldn't tell Luna now. Luna would almost certainly tell her parents, and they couldn't know.

She gave herself a mental pat on the back for not crying.

Luan grabbed a change of clothes, then stepped into the bathroom.

* * *

**Hope to see you soon!**


	4. Secrets

Luan had been sitting in the living room one day after school, not long after the district competition. Her siblings had all scattered to their rooms in order to accomplish at least some of their homework not long beforehand. She was relaxing on the couch, playing Algebra Dash on her phone. It was abnormally quiet in the Loud house.

Hearing the sound of footsteps, she looked up and saw her mother and father both enter the room. Her mother sat down next to her on the couch, while her father sat in the chair across from it. They both looked concerned.

Luan's icon smashed itself to pieces against a block.

Luan turned off the game. "What's up?" she asked.

Mrs. Loud looked intently at her. "Put away your phone. We have a question for you."

Luan wondered what on earth her parents could be talking about. Was it the fact that she didn't turn in her health posterboard?

Was it the self-harm?

No. It couldn't have been. Maggie had promised not to tell.

She wouldn't have told. She couldn't have told.

Right?

Mrs. Loud said, "We got a call from Maggie a little while ago."

Luan remained calm externally.

Internally, she freaked out.

How could her parents know?

They shouldn't know.

They couldn't know.

They wouldn't find out.

"She says that you cut yourself."

It looked like her mother was trying to gaze straight into her soul.

Luan allowed her confusion and disbelief to spread to her face.

She would lie her way out of this one.

"What?"

Luan's mother continued, "She says you did it on your side, so that nobody could see it."

"Wha-what are you talking about?"

Luan's father asked, an edge to his voice, "Did you do it?"

"Wha- No! No! I didn't! Why would you think so?"

Luan hated lying.

She wished she didn't have to.

But she had no other choice.

She needed to.

"Maggie says you talked to her last Thursday, after the first day of the improv competition."

Luan knew she had the perfect alibi.

"What? I-I was calling you then! You remember, right?"

Her mother nodded.

Luan's dad added, "They could have talked at a different time, though."

Luan directed her gaze away from her parents, staring at her lap, trying to look as though she were making sense of the whole matter.

They all sat in silence for some time.

Her mother finally asked, "May I please see your phone for a second? I want to see if Maggie has texted you about this or anything."

Luan had texted Maggie to thank her for their talk. She couldn't let them see the message.

It had been the polite thing to do. And now...

Her politeness had ruined everything.

Luan frowned. "What for?"

"I just want to look."

Maybe her mother would overlook the message.

Maybe she would consider it irrelevant.

Could Luan delete it without delaying for too long?

She would just have to be obedient.

Luan reluctantly pulled out her phone and opened up her text history with Maggie. Her mother took the phone and scrolled through it.

She read out loud from the phone, "Apparently, you said on Thursday, quote, 'Thank you so much for talking to me. If you need to talk to anyone, just let me know, and I'll be happy to help.' End quote."

Luan stammered, "I... No... That's..." before finally falling silent.

Her act of courtesy had just destroyed her.

But if she kept up the deception...

Would Maggie get in trouble for lying?

Her mother said something about the content of the text being suspicious, but it flew right over Luan's head.

She didn't want Maggie to be punished for doing the right thing.

But, at the same time, she needed to protect herself and her privacy.

Why would Maggie do such a thing?

Why would Luan be so ungrateful for Maggie's misplaced attempt at helping?

Luan knew that she had to own up to what she'd done.

She sighed in defeat.

"Mom, Dad... If I were you...

She hung her head, too ashamed with herself to so much as look at her parents. "I know that I have an alibi and all... but, based on the text, and... also the way I've been acting... you know, I've been looking worried and all...

"I wouldn't believe me if I were you."

Her parents watched her, hanging on her every word.

Luan paused, taking a long, shuddering breath while she tried to gather the courage to say what she needed to say.

It was for Maggie.

This was something she could do to repay her.

"And you would be right."

Luan glanced up momentarily, worrying about how her parents would respond.

Sure enough, they both bore expressions of concern. She dropped her head again.

Luan's voice shook as she continued. "I didn't want to tell you... but I didn't wanna get Maggie in trouble for lying. I just..."

She couldn't continue. She blinked to try and suppress the tears.

Mrs. Loud reached out her arm to comfort her child, but Luan shied away, curling up into a ball.

"H-how much d-did Maggie tell you guys?" Luan finally asked, hiding her face to spite her tears, sniffling as her nose began to run.

"All of it... I think," said her father. "But... why? Why did you do that?"

Luan peeked her face out from behind her hands, looking at her living room. While it normally appeared warm and comforting, it felt cold now, unwelcoming and distant.

She knew the thought was stupid, but it persisted.

"I... I guess... I was feeling really... unhappy with me. I didn't think I deserved to bring home the trophy after the regional competition. I don't deserve anything, honestly... least of all any token of gratitude."

Luan's mom said, "May... may I see the scar?"

Luan shook her head vigorously, curling herself up even more tightly.

She wished that her parents would just leave her alone. This was something she would prefer to face on her own.

It was too late for that now.

Luan continued, "I don't know why I feel like that. I... I know it's stupid. I know I'm loved. I know I'm worth something. I-I just can't believe it."

She dared a glance up at her mother, but immediately regretted it.

Her mom looked sad, certainly, but also bore a certain level of terror.

Why did Luan have to worry her mother so?

She felt even more horrible.

She wished that no one had ever loved her from the start.

"I... I didn't wanna tell you guys because... because I didn't want you to worry. I hate that you're so worried about me. I-I'm just me. I'm nobody special. I'm nothing."

Luan's father spoke up. "Don't think about yourself that way. You mean something to us. You're our daughter, after all. You may be one of eleven, but, but that doesn't diminish how much we love you."

"I... I wish you didn't love me, then."

Nobody spoke for a long while.

Finally, Mrs. Loud broke the silence. "I... we, that is, your father and I, were talking about taking you to therapy at the clinic the next town over."

Luan nodded. "That... that's a good idea. I think... that should help."

"Then I'll call them in a little while and sign you up for an appointment."

Luan smiled wanly. "Okay."

"Uh, what are you guys talking about?" asked Lucy.

Luan and her parents jumped, then turned and saw Lucy standing in the doorway, running a hand through her short black hair. It still seemed weird to look her in the eyes.

"Uh, nothing important," Luan hastily replied. She didn't want all her siblings worrying about her, too; it was bad enough to have her parents know.

Although she did still want to tell Luna...

Luan and her mother shared a meaningful look.

Her mother said to Lucy, "Go back to your room for a little while."

The pale-skinned girl looked about to complain, but she sighed softly and turned away.

"I'll come up and play with you once I'm done!" Luan called after her, trying to infuse her demeanour with some of her typical joviality.

"Okay," replied Lucy as she headed back up the stairs.

Luan looked back at her parents.

"If you don't want to tell your brother and sisters about this, that's your choice," said her father. "They are worried about you, though."

"I don't want to," said Luan with finality.

"Okay."

Without warning, Luan's mother moved over and hugged her. Luan tensed up at first, not expecting the physical contact, but reciprocated.

After a few moments, they broke apart, and Luan's father moved in to hug her.

"Good talk?" he asked.

"Good talk," replied Luan.

They broke apart, and Luan headed up the stairs.

It was over now.

She didn't have to worry about hiding anything from her parents any longer.

She would go to therapy soon enough, which might help her stop hating herself.

She would go do... something with Lucy.

There was a lot to look forward to.

At the same time, there was a lot to be concerned about.

She would have to reveal her feelings to a complete stranger in therapy.

She would have to keep her self-harm a secret from her siblings.

She would have to put up with her parents worrying about her even more than usual.

Luan pushed aside those thoughts, leaving them behind as she ascended. She could deal with them later. Now? She had an obligation to her little sister to attend to.

There was one nagging thought she couldn't shake, however.

She was grateful that Maggie had spoken up.

She was glad for being able to speak with her, to have someone to trust.

Maggie was a good kid, although she hid her true nature deep down beneath her layers of cynicism and grumpiness.

Luan sent up a silent prayer, thanking God for giving her Maggie.

She was a good kid.

Cute, too.

Luan might have lost herself in reminiscing for the entire rest of the afternoon if not for Lynn, who chose that moment to yell, "Think fast!" and hurl a tennis ball at her. It struck her in the gut, and she reeled backwards, falling into the wall.

Luan yelled incoherently and shook a fist in the direction from which the ball came.

She almost felt like her old self again, she thought, turning and walking into Lucy's room.

* * *

**I'm ending this story prematurely. This is the final chapter. I know that the story doesn't really reach a satisfying conclusion, but I don't have the heart to finish it. It was hitting close to home from the start.**

**I hoped you liked the story nevertheless. Thank you to all of you who have read it.**

****…** **

**I'm going to wrap up "The Babysitters", and then I have another LunaxSam fic planned. From there... I'm moving on to other things. Stay tuned.**

****Hope to see you around!** **


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